Thirty

Okay…here are ten resolutions for my thirtieth year (people with less exciting birthdays call these “New Year’s Resolutions”):

1. Visit Las Vegas and, while there, take a road trip to Los Angeles.
2. Pay off debt. I’ll need to look at this more closely, but I want to stick an actual percentage to this soon.
3. Stop saying “Don’t hate me ’cause you ain’t me.” I’m pretty sure the ship sailed on this one a while ago, and now it’s time for me to move on as well.
4. Limit my tv consumption by only using Netflix for six or fewer months out of this year.
5. Read at least two books per month – one fiction and one non-fiction.
6. Visit Savannah.
7. Put my townhouse on the market to gauge response (if nothing else…).
8. Lose weight. Everyone has this on their list (well, probably everyone that makes a list) but I actually need to do this.
9. Send someone a letter (the stamped kind, not the virtual kind) when I think of them. Sub-resolution: Keep stamps around so that I have one when I need it.
10. Make the most of 30. This isn’t really measureable, but I’ll try to report on the progress…

 

I am my own oracle.*

This afternoon I opened my journal, turned to about the 75th page and started writing. It was bad, bad writing. So…I looked back and found this, written September 8, 2008:

“I think that something is definitely up with me – I’m sure it’s some form of depression, but exactly what’s brought it on or what could make it go away are beyond my recognition at the moment. Weekends have become a time of complete laziness for me, and not the helpful, re-energizing kind but more the negative, what-am-I-doing-with-my-life kind. This is particularly pronounced on weekends home in Nashville, where it’s no small feat if I even leave my house in 24 hours.

About five years ago, introversion decided not so much to sweep over me like a breeze as crash upon me like a tidal wave. There were two months that were pretty bleak, and then all seemed to get better (the reason for which I recognize, and also recognize that it’s a story for another day). I became my usual, teetering-toward-extroversion self and everything seemed to go back to normal. But…changes crept in. I began to use the excuse “Well, if I’m not going to enjoy myself anyway, I just won’t go” far too often. I don’t feel like I ever completely fell off the face of the planet, but more than one person commented on a change in my demeanor. I remember a pretty vivid conversation with [a good friend] ending with “You’re different now” and this had to have been at least two years ago. This weekend, though, I decided to skip the birthday party of a friend…[content deleted]…and I kick myself even harder for missing out on things like that. Everything clicked when I got a voice mail this afternoon saying “Yes, let’s meet for supper…I always need to remind myself to get out of the house on Sunday nights.”

Having spent some time thinking about it, here are a few things I’ve fleshed out:

1) Is it because I don’t journal anymore? In my current journal [the same one I wrote in today, 2011], the first entry is November 14, 2005; ten pages later is June 7, 2007 and then 14 pages later is this entry. By not writing anything down, am I hoarding it all? Does the physical act of putting pen to pad and pouring out thoughts open up space for peace? I don’t know, but I’m willing to give it a shot and I vow to write at least two or three times a week beginning now.

2) By pointing out my lack of journaling first, I haven’t overlooked the obvious spiritual need in my life. We are called, as the Church, into fellowship and community, something I’ve definitely stopped putting energy into. A couple of courses of action:

a) Actually commit to a church community group. This hasn’t gone well for me in recent groups and it’s been easy to blame others. I plan to commit more of myself – my attention, my time, my compassion and my service – to the people in my community, whatever my initial (and, more than likely, secondary…because I’m that shallow) thoughts are.

b) Commit to my personal “chosen community” – the group of friends I’ve made here in Nashville. As hard as it will be to get past my preconceptions. As hard as it will be to get past my preconceptions of a sponsored community group, I know that this second one will actually be more difficult. What I’ve been doing, basically, is taking people for granted. Not treating them badly necessarily (although I’m sure someone might think so), but rather taking for granted what our relationship is – and could be – due to limitations I’ve already placed on it. I know that I have a tendency to do this for several reasons. First, there are friends whose actions I can predict and who I figure can also see right through me. I convince myself that it’s not always necessary to seek out their company and, more importantly, advice, because I can pretty much predict the outcome. As embarrassingly corny as this is, it’s like that scene in National Treasure (yes, I’m going there) where the girl says “Just because you know my answer doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask.” In my instance, on a friendship level, I need to remember that just because I know what someone will say or do doesn’t mean I don’t need the actual company of that person.

Secondly, I can revert back to high school when dealing with that “outer ring” of friends – and you know who I’m talking about. Surprisingly, they always seem to stay in that outer ring…funny how that works. These are friends that I would do anything for…except, apparently, try to engage in deep, one-on-one conversation and interaction. The reasons for this are many, and include justifications like “Well, they were this close friend’s friend first; I don’t want to come across as competitive.” Seriously. This is what runs through my head. Seriously.

It’s not that I’m balancing precariously on the edge. Or agoraphobic. Or a mean bitch (because, everyone knows, it can come across this way). I just need to snap out of it and re-enter the world. And I need your help.”

At another place and time, I’m going to hash out what New Year’s resolutions mean to me, but reading over this old journal entry, I think I’ve got a game plan mapped out for me.

Opening the door…

 

 

*in the non-deity sense of the word, of course

The Resolution Post…part deux

I am lucky to have a friend who, although we haven’t lived in the same city in seven and a half years, always seems to be going through the same kinds of life issues that I’m going through. Actually, at this age, I probably have tons of friends who are going through the same kinds of life issues I am, so let’s just say I’m lucky to have this friend who’ll actually talk about it.

Anyway, in relaying our holidays via e-mail, the subject of resolutions came up and I talked about this. Which I thought some of you might also want to see? Maybe add to? Confirm? Deny? Defend? Attack? This info is slightly edited…mainly some sentences taken out that were a little too specific-for-comfort for the interwebs.

I’ve heard people talk about depression and the perception of abundance…if it makes sense…um…the best way to describe it: Here’s an example of what I mean: You feel down in the dumps because nothing’s going how you think it should (whether that’s “right” or not, who knows) and then you go to the fridge and WOW! It’s full! This small thing changes your perception to see that you really do have enough and what you need. Makes sense, right? Interestingly enough, having a well stocked pantry and fridge do a lot for my mental state, even if I’m not eating the food that I’m stocking it with. Hence the load-up of staples and not much to eat them with (my curse in life is to be a bad grocery-shopper).
 
Well…I’ve come to the conclusion that with non-food items in my life, my mind is almost working this in the reverse. I have so much stuff in my house that I become bogged down, can’t find anything that makes me happy and so I get more stuff. So, 2010 is my year to de-bog. My cousin Hannah has recommended all of these cool consignment shops in Bowling Green, KY, and I’m putting together piles of clothes, books, movies, knick knacks, etc., to take up there. I cleaned out my kitchen cabinets last weekend and couldn’t even wait…I just took all of that stuff to Goodwill. It felt so GOOD to get rid of things; to not feel so unnecessarily weighted down. 
 
We’ll see how this goes…
 
I also have another goal, and it’s more short term. I need to come up with a cool 10-year reunion story before April. Suggestions?

Happy Wednesday internet; hope yours is going as well as mine. Tomorrow’s Thursday, the best day of the week!

The Resolution Post…

…it’s a trend.  I like many trends, including this one.

In no particular order:

1. Be happy being still.

I commit to a bunch of stuff, get overwhelmed and start bailing out. I don’t commit to anything, feel guilty, and start piling it on. I need to find a happy medium that both challenges me to keep out of a rut and also lets me rest and renew every now and then.

2. Pay off debt.

My mantra of 2010. This weekend, in addition to Ditch Weekend (see below), will also be Apply for Part-Time Job weekend. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I find a bookstore that needs people…

3. Lose weight. Blurgh.

Blugh.

4. Tell people what they mean to me.

I feel like I used to be better at this. Not sure what happened.

6. Find things to do in my city that are unique yet inexpensive.

I can think of tons of cool stuff to do in Austin, TX, Montgomery, AL and Lexington, KY without spending a dime, but not too much comes to mind here in Nashville. I need to spend more time getting to know my home city…

7. Get by with less stuff.

My cousin Mary Margaret unknowingly brought up some interesting points about this and I might share them at a later date, but it basically comes down to me being able to get by with a lot less stuff than I already have. This weekend is a designated “what can I ditch” weekend, which will hopefully produce many, many bags of clothes and other stuff that I can take to some rockin’ consignment shops my cousin found in Bowling Green.

8. Drink more water.

Just because an endless supply of flavored coffee pods are available to me doesn’t mean I should drink them.

Oh yeah, this isn’t a resolution but:

13

A Blast from the Past where I murder the English language, make obvious statements & mention Chris Hardwick

Disclaimer: This is wicked long, but should be a quick read…

You couldn’t imagine the fun I had last night sorting through a bunch of old notes (yes, those notes…the kind you pass in junior high) and letters. I have binders full of notes from my friends Natalie Laton (Henton) and Laura Merrell (mainly sixth and seventh grade), Ashley Milton (ninth and tenth grade) and then literally HUNDREDS of notes, cards and letters from Julie Russell (Cottrell). You can definitely plan on seeing some of those…I’ll have to scan the scary Santa + Neil Diamond collage for sure!

I also found my first ever journal, seen here:

So, drumroll please, here is my first journal entry EVER. Spelling and grammar have been maintained from the original:

December 25, 1988

I have a new friend her Name is Jill and I like her too. (Jill was a lifesized doll and now that I look back, terrifying). on Christmas k morning I found her. (Seriously? I had writing errors just like typing errors? What’s up with that random k?) on mY HelloKiTtY Diary it Says HEllo KittY all DrEssED up anD READY to go!

Jill and HEllo KittY
3o5 seminarY St.
35650
2o5
974-0187
Jennifer Clapp
ED Clapp
SUSAN Clapp
ED Clapp

Just so you know, after the first five entries in this diary, I decided that I had to write the name and address and household members of whoever I discussed. I guess so that investigative journalists had a way to track it back later? I don’t know…

Some other gems (or gEms, as I might have said then):

March 4, 1989

Well today I Whnt to the BANk. it Was Fun geting to see Sissy R. I Was gladafrst But thin I did not. (What?) But it trend out to be good. Well I gese that I can be going, oh, and Bye For now HelloKitty! Love your fReind Jennifer Clapp

After this second post, as it’s the second time I’ve referred to a toy as a friend, I want to mention that I had lots of friends and always loved getting to see church and school friends. We lived in a small town so it wasn’t uncommon to see a friend outside of school every single night of the week either riding bikes, walking to the school playground to play, or being at the community baseball park. However, I did kinda live in a dream world…

November 15, 1989

Dear, Diary….. (YES! ellipses!)

Today Grandmama called. I got to talk to her. We had a very, very bad storm. We went to church (our church was a few doors down and offered their basement as a storm shelter…we could even take our dog!). It was fun. Laura Lee, and I got in a fight. I got chect out. Today in enrichmen we finenst our masks. We made pilgram girl hats and indan caneons.

Maybe my favorite post EVER:

April 30, 1990

Today was all right. – Jennifer

In this next post, we learn that I wasn’t always so liberal with the exclamation points, but that my hate-hate relationship with spelling runs deep:

February 17, 1991

I have not written in my diary since Aug. of 1990. It is Sunday the seventeenth nineteen-ninety-one. I am in the same third grade room as Laura Lee Latham. Today is boring. The time is 1:57 P.M. I hope tomorrow will not be as boring as today. In school my favorite subject is journal. My least favorite subject is English. My least favorite subject has always been English. It is boring. All you do is talk about stuff you already knew (I’m pretty sure I mean English grammar, as back then the “literature” would have been called Reading. Also, I continued to hate studying grammar until I graduated, even after realizing that it wasn’t always stuff I already knew, just stuff I’d rather ignore.) In Math we are studing division. In scince we are studing Outer Space. In English we are studing verbs. In Sciocl Studies we are studing map skills that a two year old could read (ouch!). In spelling, we just got finished with chapet review (apparently the words studying, science, social and chapter weren’t in that review). In reading we are studing magic. Bye. Love, Jenn-Jenn (The nickname Jenn-Jenn makes my skin crawl. Ugh.)

It’s book report time!

May 13, 1992

I am reading a very good book. Well, two really. They are called “The Secret Garden and “Many Waters.” In “The Secret Garden” Mary Lennox finds a garden and keeps it a secret (When I was typing this at the library, I audibly laughed after reading that. Obvious much?) She starts fixing it up and her maids brother Dicken and shows him the garden. Then she meets Colin, and tells him that she heard there was a garden but doesn’t tell him that she found the key to it. That’s all I have read. In “Many Waters” Sandy and Dennys Murry go way back in time. So far back that they become a part of the story of “Noah’s Ark.” It’s a really good book.

May 11, 1996

Well, you missed all of sixth and seventh grade. In sixth grade, my best friends were Natalie Laton and Laura Merrell. I also hung out with Marie Turner, Jonathan Conner, Robert Tuart, Sol Davis and Ryan (Flipper) Ward. Towards  (OH GOSH…pet peeve! “Towards” is NOT a word…it’s toward…) the end of the year, Donna Tatum hung out with us alot (p.s., also not a word). I really loved the sixth grade. I never saw Heather Skinner, though, and Melissa Till moved right after 5th grade. My teachers were Mrs. Banks and Mrs. Harrison. I love going back and visiting them! Even more than that, I love visiting Mrs. Walthall. I think that the sixths grade is the best year I’ve ever had in school. During the summer after sixth grade, Laura moved to North Carolina. Natalie and I remained best friends. When we started the 7th grade, Natalie and I were friends and Marie and I were friends. Marie, Flipper, Jonathan and I were in the same PE class and we talked about movies, music and other people all year! (Wow…just laid it out there…) Marie andI checked out all the fine guys that were in our PE class! Right after Christmas, though, Flipper moved back to Michigan.

The 8th grade has changed me dramatically! (Oddly, I don’t follow that up with anything.) Julie Rusell is in my PE class along with Casey Raines and Johanna Baker. Julie and I are horrible people! This guy came to our church for a revival and was saying how you only had to sin once to be a sinner. Julie and are are liars, thieves, cheaters, users of “bulgarity” (vulgarity) and, worst of all, avid gossipers! We have a long running joke where we just talk about how bad we are and how we’re going to keep each other company in Hell. (This is a long running joke I’ve actually had with other friends in more recent years…hmmmm…) Melissa Short and I are great friends! We joke and laugh a lot. Julie, Melissa and I are “Grease-freaks” and do the hand-jive on a day-to-day basis.

I actually kept writing in this same diary, off and on, until 1998 (the summer after my sophomore year). Here is one of the last posts (it got kinda sparse at the end, continuity wise):

This is actually a collection. In June of ’96 the FBC Prattville youth choir went on a tour of the northeast. Julie and I….well, hilarious. She’s the most soft-spoken, unassuming ninth-grade girl, in my knowledge, to shout “SHIT!” across the choir tour bus after spilling coffee on her skirt. These are some things I wrote down with the notes “don’t forget”…I wish I knew why I wanted to remember…

June 24 (Bethany, NJ): 1) Boy who asked us for an “ug” 2)Brian Carroll’s “Corn Tonight” and “We’re a Bunch of Hungry Teenagers” 3) BBC kid’s Vincent and Abel 4)Dan the Man 5) “Sound effects!”

I still remember the melody to the hungry teenagers song, but not the corn one, which was funnier. Fail.

June 25 (Philadelphia, PA): 1) the rude waiters at the Spaghetti Warehouse 2) Brian yelling “I love you , Wilmington!” into the mic in DE 3)weird skater guys under the bridge 4) Camoflauge nail polish

June 27 (NYC): 1) seeing “The Real World” logo on the  side of the building 2) throwing pennies off the Empire State Building (which, apparently, can kill people)

June 28 (DC): 1) Mark 2)”Chris Hardwick” 3)”Marilla” 4)”Richard Polanski” (I’m guessing Julie and I met or saw a guy named Mark, and people who looked like Chris Hardwick, Colleen Dewhurst and that guy from Caroline in the City whose last name wasn’t Polanski, but I’m still pretty sure that’s who we would’ve been talking about.)

Stay tuned for the next post (hopefully tomorrow), which will start like this:

8-18-94

Dear Robert Sean,

I really don’t know what to call you. Robert? Robby? Sean? Robert Sean? How ’bout I call you for lunch? Just kidding…

Stay tuned!